by Marvin Kent (Sept 16, 2010)
I've been trapped with my past and I find myself so coward to face the present and to feel the sharpness of reality. First, I tried to fixed things but every actions being done is pointless. That thought was a mistake, it was too late for me to see the bigger picture that nothing was broken, and the truth is, I've lost someone. Someone that I considered as a friend, a lover, a companion, and a partner. So then, I tried looking anywhere, but still, I was not successful. Well, I'm starting to believed that how can I find that someone if that person has no intention to be found and be claimed.
Time has passed and I've learned to accept it. It was very painful but it was the only way for me step a little forward in my hopes. I thought that “time” itself would be helpful and would heal my wounds but “time” is not in my side. Loneliness and longing was still there, even the face of the ghost I chased was already forgotten. It was by then, a personal testimony that emotions, feelings are far greater than logic.
I am no longer expecting to find what I’ve lost or waiting to the resolution of the unanswered questions. My boredom leads me to what you call closure. It was a dead end already, and that kind of gesture or closure should have done a long time ago.
Maybe there was a denial but acceptance was really a long process. And on that process, I’ve learned that the key for me to move on is to decide, that I should put an end on it. Pushing the button or just click enter was the gesture that I missed for more than three years.
I understand that there was no resolution on both parties but there forgiveness on my side was achieved after clicking that big red push-button. Then, I’m moving on.
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After the said closure, I find this song from Rascal Flatts fits my current situation and recovery.
(disclaimer: This one of my fave song from Rascal Flatts)
I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on
I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different, but they're always the same
They mean me no harm, but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on
I'm moving on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarentees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone
I've sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should, but lived like I shouldn't I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on